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symba last won the day on September 3

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  1. Today is a slow day at work, so I'm gonna sketch out a reward system based on weight loss. Hopefully my co-workers leave early so I can type it up in peace lol Will share here when it's ironed out
  2. Binge weekends are gonna be the death of me. Starting next week, my cheat foods are gonna be fresh fruits and maybe like, a baguette and cheese or something idk.
  3. It's been a few days since I've posted, but I honestly just haven't felt like writing anything. Just kind of in one of those funks, ya know? My eating has gotten better, in that the doctor reported my weight at 222.2, which is down from 234 at the beginning of last month, so I'll take that minor victory (even though I could be a lot further along if I stopped caving).... My next appointment is on October 7th, so I'd love to be below 200 somehow at that point....short-term goal, I guess. B/Ped last night, hard, the first time in a little while I took so many laxatives since it's not safe to take them during the week because of work. Hating myself because I'm already trying to justify eating a casserole later today ughhhhhhhhhhh -_- Going to stick to restricting this week, energy drink (10), protein/fiber bar (200), and tuna with mayo on celery sticks (140-340 calories, rough estimate). I don't need to be eating any more than that. Need to up my music game and get my life together again. New semester starts on the 30th and I want to be ready.
  4. My homework is due tonight but all I wanna do is listen to KPop and look at thinspo😭😭

  5. I have learned that I cannot be allowed room for cheating omg 😅😅😅😭😭
  6. Good luck! Is the Pancake site any good? I want to stay here on PAO as a base but I still pop back to MPA from time to time and have been hearing more and more about Pancake
  7. Daily Check-Ins (8 p.m.) Did I stick to my meal plan today? Y/N Did I practice the ukulele today ? Y/N ❀ヅ❤♫
  8. Big Mood. I feel this so hard ❤️ I wish you all the best! ❤️
  9. I've never had a regrettable one-night stand, nor have I ever gotten blasted-out-of-my-mind drunk....but I sort of imagine the feeling in the morning is similar to what I felt today when I woke up and walked around my house to see all the leftover dishes from what I ate last night.... What was I thinking?! It has seemed like a great idea at the time yesterday while I was buying the food and then making it and then eating it but wow now all I can think about is the wasted money and the surge of calories I force-fed myself, ugh -_- I'm trying to purge today as best I can, and tomorrow will be a fresh start. A desperate start. Caffeine and half a protein bar for breakfast and the same at lunch with a tuna (or chicken) packet on celery for dinner. Like, this is ludicrous and I need to stop. An entire "Cheat Day" gives me WAY too much time and freedom to make bad decisions so I think I'll lock it down to Friday night cheat dinner and ~maybe~ a Saturday morning cheat of a hot beverage and delightful pastry at breakfast....I don't know; Saturday morning is negotiable, but it is beginning to be hot cocoa/hot cider season, and I would like to indulge in that from time to time ^_^ Ugh. I just feel ugh.
  10. PAO

    Thanks for pointing out the issue with joining the Introspection Challenge! You first need to request to join that Community group as it is a closed group. Then in a day or two you should be approved:


  11. So I just read that Google nutritional values can be wildly off-base sometimes, AND. I. AM. F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G. O.U.T.

  12. Hmm, okay. Started a new job, kind of felt destructive last week so I deliberately ate a ton of shit (chocolate lava cake and gourmet chocolate milk ugh)... MAJOR PRO of my new job is that if I get sick, it's unprofessional to leave my desk, so since I have oodles of food issues clearly I'm not gonna eat anything that makes me sick, which means I eat a protein bar early in the morning (then purge), and eat like almonds and banana chips for lunch (which I don't mind). Whatever I eat at night gets purged by the next morning. Nobody in the clinic wants me leaving the desk during my shfit lol so they don't push food on me ^_^ I also just found out that Starkist Tuna makes little 60-80 calorie flavor pouches with really good flavor combinations AND they apparently make chicken packets as well lmbo so the highest packet is 90 calories and bam! Spread that on some celery stalks and I've got my dinner. ^_^ My roommates are unknowingly helping my ED by refusing to let me buy anything at the store that isn't keto, which is SO annoying but also SO helpful, and I am conflicted haha I'm not as strict on keto (my banana chips cost me 19 carbs 😞 ), but I think if I stay under 30 carbs a day I'll be good. What I don't like is I accidentally started a Cheat Day thing where on Saturdays I'm allowed to eat whatever I want, which my roommates are also encouraging and hyping me up for, so I need to figure out how to break that psychological habit somehow or at least mitigate it. Not sure what to do about my train-wreck of a signature at the moment....perhaps restart tomorrow? Like, every Cheat Day is gonna feel like a binge to me, automatically. Blah. I don't know.
  13. Aside from being attracted to really moody music and very thin musicians (-note to self, make thinspo thread-), my ED never really overlapped with my music until I had a teacher suggest I start demoing my music, making social media profiles, and going public. Aside from the crippling type-A issues of feeling like I'm not a good enough musician, I realized that there was NO. WAY. I was E.V.E.R. going to allow myself to be see publicly on social media at this weight, which triggered my relapse a few months ago and I haven't really gotten out of it since. But yeah, that kind of pressure is insane and I haven't even stepped into the thick of it yet. 🤐 Does your music fuel your ED? Does it calm you down? Provide a distraction? A relief? A trigger? What draws you to your music?
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