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  4. I've been mostly eating normally this past month since getting surgery but I feel a phat relapse coming once school starts up again. Might actually start updating my accountability thing again 

  5. Purging before work>>broke

    Purging before bed>> woke

  6. DO NOT recommend binging on sugar free chocolate my stomach is KILLING ME

    1. hypothetical


      Shit has fucked me up more than a few times, oof.

  7. Earlier
  8. Spoiler alert: I did not quit spiraling and focus on my goals. I spiraled right the hell on out. for over a year. and i might still be spiraling. it's hard to tell, i'm always some kind of fucked up. But after over a year of being a zombie i think I might be waking up. I had my hormonal IUD taken out and over two months later I'm finally, maybe, maybe. starting to feel like myself. maybe. and lets be clear, Myself was just barely getting by. Not Myself went three months without managing to clean out the kitty litter. my cats just shit in the tub. or sometimes still in their boxes just so they could come out and judge me. that wasn't the only thing that went wrong. but it's a pretty fragrant illustration. So I got very fat, and i couldn't lose it and everytime i gave up i gained a little more. I was 232 new years day. I was 226 this morning. I've been intermittent fasting 8pm to 12pm every day, then UMAD at 500 mondays and thursdays. today was thursday and i went way over 500 (821) but i've been under goal for my 16/8s. granted that goal is 2000, so it's easy to hit. I'd been drinking nonstop. i quit for 25 days in november, but got angry at all the people cheering me on, classic. i'm slowly cleaning all the empty jameson and taaka and prosecco bottles out of my house, but they're everywhere. cluttering every surface, under both the beds, in windowsills, hidden in bathroom cabinets. I'm bad at finding trash cans in the moment. but this week i went without on monday, tuesday i got a bottle of sauvignon blanc for shrimp scampi, and for drinking. but while chopping garlic I cut open my finger/fingernail instead and got to enjoy my brain bathing in it's own natural painkillers. two drinks yesterday, none today. It's too early to say i'm better. but i haven't stuck with anything for four days in a row in like 18 months. i cleaned the litter boxes, i did two loads of dishes and cleared the trash off my counters, i've got two garbage bags of compulsive online clothes shopping bagged up to be donated. i'm trying to be careful not to get too deep. not to start too many projects. not let myself get too hungry. not to get overwhelmed. i have an appointment with a psychiatrist on monday, i made it when i was still in the dark, now i'm afraid to rock the boat. i'm definitely afraid of antidepressants because if i gain any more weight i will explode. but i'm also afraid it will come back. it's complicated.
  9. Friend, I know how it goes. Nice to see you around!
  10. Thank you so much 🙂 You have always offered nothing but the kindest words and most insightful thoughts and suggestions. If any advice comes to mind, from you or anyone else, I'm always open to it! There are not enough hours in a lifetime for me to come up with more than my own point of view and I embrace everybody who takes time to broaden my horizon. I know I wanted to eat better and that is still the goal, but at the moment that is conflicting with the fact that I have to use up all the canned and dried and processed food in my pantry. I will move into my own apartment in February (which I'm very exited about! And terrified of the stress of moving! But exited! Oof.) and I don't want to move a bunch of food to be honest. I'm very happy about moving because it means I will have my own apartment and be out of student housing. It was great at the time to not be with my parents 24/7 and be close to uni but over this past year I have come to the realization that I won't finish my degree because I can't handle the stress and insane workload. My boyfriend (btw I have a boyfriend, we just had our 2 year anniversary) is convinced there is something I struggle with that extends beyond me having depression which is why I am doing so much research to see what sounds like it might be it. Anyways, uni was a crazy ride with insane panic attacks and sleep deprivation and working to the point of exhaustion and yet barely making a dent in the things i could be doing. So after 2 semesters with only 2 passed classes I did all my first semester classes again and tried my very hardest, I had not one but 2 tutors, I did everything I could and still failed spectacularly. So then I spent a semester coming to terms with the fact that for the first time in my life I not only had to work, but I actually did work hard and yet still failed. I'm mostly over it but now I'm terrified of starting something new and realizing I'm not smart or capable or hard working enough for it, again. At least I will have my own apartment and won't be either homeless or have to move back with my parents one I officially exmatriculate and that is a really good thing! I'm also attempting my drivers license again. And just like last time my deadline snuck up on me. It's on the 14th and I'm only halfway through studying. On the other hand, I've always worked better under pressure... right? Another late night essay done. I hope maybe with just word vomiting here past midnight when I should be asleep but my mind can't calm down enough my stress levels might decrease or I will get some kind of epiphany seeing all the pieces of my life collecting here. Everybody that reads this, be safe.
  11. My old mobile quit working, and when I replaced it, what I thought was my password didn't work, and I couldn't get back into my IG without that number for two-factor authentication. I appealed to troubleshooting a few times, but I'm either not explaining properly, or there isn't a way past it, because I'm still not in. They won't delete the account for me, either (understandable). That's why I've disappeared, sorry. Anyway, all that is just to get to the point where I can give you a sincere apology, because I care very much, and I've missed you. If you'd like my email or something, I'd be glad to give it to you. I don't have Facebook or anything these days. I won't presume to offer advice, but I'm here reading. And, if it's not unwelcome, I'm really impressed and proud of you for how far you've come, with all this on your head. I hope you can get some answers to go forward on, friend. ❤️
  12. Oh my God Birdy! I'm so happy to hear from you! 😄 It's been so long. I hope you're doing alright! When you quit instagram I wondered if I'd ever hear from you again or find out what happened. Of course we all wish we were doing better but I think I'm alright and I'm glad our paths crossed again. As we know these threads tend to become my journal so might as well put some basics about me and what situation I'm in down. I don't plan on getting back into much ED behavior or even thought patterns. I can't afford to spend energy or thoughts on obsessing about food honestly. My main priority is to get my physical health to a point where I won't have to worry about my knees or hips when walking all day or my shoulder and back when carrying a backpack. It's gone rapidly downhill with my joints starting with the start of 2019 to the point of me not being able to stand up and walk for more than an hour and nobody knew why. Still nobody knows what that was but I'm pretty okay again. It's been the roughest year I've had health wise in my life. But I've been getting better again too, doing lots of physical therapy and learning to better manage energy. Overall, if I had one wish granted to me, I'd say I want to live without pain or worrying about pain again. I don't remember the last time I wasn't in some form of at least mild pain or unignorable discomfort. I'll try to see what I can do with diet and honestly I'd love to lose some weight to see if it helps the joints but those are considerations for another day. Mental health is a work in progress, as always. I'm in therapy again but not doing too bad currently. Still low key hoping to find a diagnoses that magically explains all my struggles and enables us to fix or manage them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Previous ideas that might explain my struggle included cPTSD and ADD but the current one we're putting research into is ASD. I'm currently managing and operating under the careful assumption that Iight be on the spectrum and it's nice to have access to a community with potential solutions to problems I'm experiencing. I can't afford to start counting calories or track my food or cut out things because I can barely feed myself because everything related to food is a huge stressor and triggers meltdowns, just because everything about it is overwhelming and hard for me. Grocery shopping, storing food, having to cook, having to clean, having to cook all over 4 hours later but being so hungry I can't afford to spend an hour cooking. It's one big mess and getting through the week without losing my mind cause I'm hungry or cause of cooking is a huge win. Enough rambling for tonight.
  13. Hi!! My name’s Abby. For the 2020 new year, I will be going on the 5-bite diet until I am 95 pounds. Wish me luck!! 

    P. S. I just started getting into making subliminals myself and don’t mind doing free requests

  14. I've been trying to eat "normally." It's not going well. I don't know what the fuck I want anymore. I'm pretty sure I don't actively want to kill myself anymore. But I also don't want to gain weight. I'm very tired, of myself and things generally. Isolation is not good for anything, so I'm trying for the umpteenth time to socialize at least a little on the internet. And fuck knows this is a relevant topic for me.
  15. Soph, this is Birdy from TU. I'm glad to "see" you, though obviously the ED part is leas than ideal. I'm just checking in to offer support, and let you know I'm here if you wanna talk.
  16. I'm Soph. Not sure what I'm going to do yet but I need a place to keep track of what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I haven't been able to afford focusing on losing weight in the last 2 years. First I started uni and had to focus on that, then my mental health went to shit and that took priority, then my physical health went to shit. Not everything has been bad, I feel like I've grown a lot and I'm all kinds of happy about that, but I need a place to put and keep track of what is up. If anyone wants to pitch in with ideas or just thoughts, you are so welcome to. What brought me here at the current moment is I've had some vague stomach ache or heartburn more days than not for the past weeks. Might be 2, might be 4, keeping track of time is a bit difficult for me during the holidays. I was on vacation in the states for the first 2 weeks of the month and ate way more meat, fat and cheese than I'm used to. So I blamed my stomach being funny on that and figured it would normalize once I'm back home in Germany and returning to my usual diet. It did not happen. Tmi but my poops aren't back to normal and my stomach isn't either. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain so I didn't see a reason to find a doctor but it is not comfortable and not exactly normal. Once the new year is here and everything in my eating and life goes back to normal and there is still no change, I will find a doctor. But first I would like to try if eating better fixes it. Too bad I'm not really sure what eating better means. I don't eat much highly processed food, takeout or pizza and the like are exceptions, normally I don't eat fatty or much meat (except during Christmas now). I tend to sustrain myself eating bread, noodles, vegetables, sometimes eggs and fruit when I have to make my own food. I know I'm lactose intolerant and it would probably be good for me to cut out dairy. But I'm dealing with depression for a long time and sometimes some cheese or a bowl of cereal is a reason to get out of bed or out of the house.
  17. Me: considering about going to GP about the recent relapses. But nah, I'm eating so everything is fine

    *decides to maybe go to gp*

    Me after couple of hours: I want to fast, I want a foggy mind. I want to have a day off. 

    Thinking about making an appointment with my GP makes me really nervous. Maybe it's a sign that I should do it. Idk, it's so difficult!

    1. seair


      If you think making an appointment would help, I would do it!

  18. Ugh my mom mentioned getting pizza for dinner tonight and it triggered me enough to skip breakfast and now I'm starting to feel sick so I ate a protein bar and some pistachios and feeling guilty about it. I've been doing so good with eating well this past week idk why that one thing set me off when I'm supposed to be taking care of myself until I've fully recovered and don't have to be on painkillers anymore

  19. I had surgery 3 days ago and it's gone really well, I just have to force myself to eat enough this next week or 2 so I can heal properly and then there'll be nothing holding me back

    I also have to figure out where I'm going to school in the spring which is a bit difficult while drugged up on pain medication lol 

  20. I hope everyone has found a video or two they like If you missed any check the Film library as they have been put up  there too.

  21. Anorexic patients at work are super triggering. Literally having to force myself not to look at their notes as it shows who has been in their medical history.

    I wish this thing would just fuck off. I never get more than a fucking months respite from it. Can it either get so bad it kills me or just go away altogether???? 

  22. I had a really bad night the other night and ended up hitting myself in the side of the head a few times. I keep forgetting it happened until I touch the area for whatever reason and it hurts.

  23. I've gotten like 3 hours of sleep in the last 2 days trying to finish all these final essays/projects, and my psychiatrist upped my Vyvanse dose so I've also been eating one meal a day without even thinking about it, so I guess you could say I am the epitome of health and self-care 

    1. seair


      Good luck!! I hooe you get more sleep soon x

  24. 12/71664 Calories eaten 659 Calories worked off 1005 Net Calories I was at the beginning of an all-nighter/night shift, on top of being up since 5. 😞 Food was the only thing keeping me awake and I'm broke, so I snapped and had some crappy food. I was browning out and on the verge of fainting at points, so I had some "meat" crumbles, vegan cheese and baby carrots. I.need.self.control.
  25. 12/6 1643 Calories eaten 600 Calories worked off 1043 Net Calories I ended up barely sleeping the night prior, and couldn't work out much, as I had to attend a convention in Philly, then work all night.... so I couldn't hit the gym. FUCKING FAT ASS! I need to regain my self control again...
  26. 12/51591 Calories eaten 804 Calories worked off 787 Net Calories WOOT WOOT! WALKING AROUND NYC PAYS OFF.
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